(Telephone rings)
Caller: It’s been quite a while, hasn’t it?
Receiver: Indeed it has. I’m not much good at calling or writing.
Caller: Well, it is never too late to start.
Receiver: I suppose not. It must be quite late there. You still live on 412 Reetnulov Street?
Caller: I moved to your suburb a few days ago due to an interesting turn of events. I didn’t want
to, but I can’t go back now.
Receiver: Yes, it is too late to return.
(Doorbell rings)
Receiver: I must go.
Dear Reader,
It is with great despondency that I must inform you that the collection you have stumbled upon is almost completely dedicated to the Baudelaire orphans, the Quagmires, several unpleasant people, several pleasant people in unpleasant situations and an organization that may or may not be watching you at this very moment.
Most unsettling things can be learned by browsing through this collection of bits and pieces of evidence and sorrow. Read at your own risk.
With all due respect,
An unknown researcher of
The Volunteer Fire Department
• Ask me anything
Script
Unpopular demand
Quite often, people will demand ridiculous and possibly dangerous things such as a subscription to a very unhelpful but popular newspaper.
Due to such misinformed but popular demand, this researcher is back.
“I’m never truly relaxed until I have left Town Hall. The Council of Elders makes me feel very skittish. All those strict rules! It makes me so skittish that I never speak during one of their council meetings. But I always feel much better the moment I walk out of the building.”
— Hector’s first words to the Baudelaire orphans
“…The children will live with Hector, our handyman. He will feed them, clothe them, and make sure they do all the chores, and he is responsible for teaching them all of the rules of V.F.D…”
— The Council of Elders, discussing who exactly would be the Baudelaires’ guardian
“We are now discussing the guardianship of the Baudelaire orphans. Under the new government program, the entire town of V.F.D will act as guardian over these three children because it takes a village to raise a child…Now, when children have a guardian, the guardian makes them do chores, so it follows that you Baudelaires will do all the chores for the entire village. Beginning tomorrow, you three children will be responsible for anything that anyone asks you to do.”
— The Council of Elders
Esmé’s not-so-many disguises: Officer Luciana
As Officer Luciana, Esmé appeared as follows:
“…a white-gloved hand…Officer Luciana was a very tall woman wearing big black boots, a blue coat with a shiny badge, and a motorcycle helmet with the visor pulled down to cover her eyes…her mouth…[was] covered in bright red lipstick.”
After a slightly unpleasant bus ride, Violet, Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire were deposited—a word which here means “dropped off without any accompanying adult or much reassurance”— on a piece of dry, flat land that stretched out as far as the eye could see, with a few flying newspaper sheets flitting by.
After a very long walk, the Baudelaires saw V.F.D. for the first time. The entire town, buildings, streets, lampposts and flagpoles, was very black, and was hazy and shaky from being covered in hundreds of crows. The village was filled with the sounds they made whilst moving about.
The V.F.D. Town Hall was a tall, impressive building made of white marble, and just like the other buildings, had a few crows nestling on it. Inside, the hall was a large room with a high ceiling and polished floor. Detailed portraits of crows hung on the walls.
In front of a long bench was a platform, and behind that were a hundred or so folding chairs for the townspeople to sit on during proceedings.
The 25 people sitting on the bench were the Council of Elders. They were all very old—at least older than 81 years of age—and wore black hats in the shape of crows.
Quite frankly, this council was quite dotty.
Besides the Town Hall, V.F.D was home to other unpleasantries such as Fowl Fountain (a hideous new monument in the uptown courtyard), the Snack Hut and the Deluxe Cell of the uptown jail (which was dim and filthy with a heavy door and a small, barred window).
“I wish I could help you, but the Council of Elders has very strict rules. I have to let off all passengers for V.F.D. right here; otherwise I could be severely punished.”
— A/the bus driver to the Baudelaires
“Fata morgana is when your eyes play tricks on you, particularly in hot weather. It’s caused by the distortion of light through alternate layers of hot and cool air. It’s also called a ‘mirage’…”
— Klaus, attempting to explain the black haze on the horizon while on the bus
