January 2012
1 post
Dearest Readers,
New tragedies shall befall you soon.
With all due respect,
Unknown source
July 2011
52 posts
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“I’m never truly relaxed until I have left Town Hall. The Council of Elders makes...”
– Hector’s first words to the Baudelaire orphans
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“…The children will live with Hector, our handyman. He will feed them, clothe...”
– The Council of Elders, discussing who exactly would be the Baudelaires’ guardian
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“We are now discussing the guardianship of the Baudelaire orphans. Under the new...”
– The Council of Elders
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Esmé's not-so-many disguises: Officer Luciana
As Officer Luciana, Esmé appeared as follows:
“…a white-gloved hand…Officer Luciana was a very tall woman wearing big black boots, a blue coat with a shiny badge, and a motorcycle helmet with the visor pulled down to cover her eyes…her mouth…[was] covered in bright red lipstick.”
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“I wish I could help you, but the Council of Elders has very strict rules. I have...”
– A/the bus driver to the Baudelaires
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“Fata morgana is when your eyes play tricks on you, particularly in hot weather....”
– Klaus, attempting to explain the black haze on the horizon while on the bus
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“Have you ever heard the aphorism ‘It takes a village to raise a...”
– Mr. Poe, introducing a new city government program to the Baudelaires. Participant villages included Paltryville, Tedia, Ophelia and the Village of Fowl Devotees (or V.F.D).
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“I’ve put calls in to a variety of distant relatives, but they’ve...”
– Mr. Poe, attempting to find the Baudelaire children a “convenient” guardian after their stay at 667 Dark Avenue
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The very dark, secret passageway
At the very top of the apartment building of 667 Dark Avenue, near Jerome and Esmé Squalor’s enormous and ridiculously fancy penthouse apartment, were two pairs of elevator doors.
The first was an actual elevator, which would make the trek up the sixty-six floors of the building much easier. The second pair of doors, however, were the entrance for a dark, secret passageway.
An...
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V.F.D.: Very Fancy (and Slippery) Doilies
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“Of course. I was going to give them to my brother for a birthday present....”
– A bidder at the In Auction, wearing sunglasses
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“Don’t tell me you’re not ghosts. I saw you rise out of the ashes myself, as if...”
– A very frightened and slightly overweight mailman, upon meeting the Baudelaire children
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Lots and lots of Lots
Below are a few of the lots—a word which here means “an item for sale at an auction”—that were to be sold at Esmé’s In Auction:
Lot #14: An enormous globe
Lot #25: A rare and valuable piano
Lot #46: A small glass vase with blue flowers painted on it
Loy #47: A pair of ballet slippers made of chocolate
Lot #48: An enormous statue of a scarlet herring (fish)
Lot #49: A...
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“But I want to steal from you. I want to steal from you the way Beatrice stole...”
– Esmé Squalor, after pushing the Baudelaires down the elevator shaft
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“Gunther wants to smuggle us out of the city, and hide us away on some island...”
– Duncan Quagmire, relating vital information to the Baudelaires from inside the metal cage in which he was imprisoned
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“It’s a knot. It was invented by female Finnish pirates in the fifteenth...”
– Violet, explaining the Devil’s Tongue, which was used to turn some extension cords, curtain pulls and some of Jerome’s (supposedly Armani) neckties into a makeshift rope
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“Why would you need an Up button, if you were already on the top floor?”
– Violet Baudelaire, examining one of the buttons near the second pair of elevator doors outside the Squalor penthouse
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Count Olaf's many disguises: Gunther, the "innest...
A description by Lemony:
“On Olaf’s feet were a pair of shiny black boots with high tops that almost reached his knees…Over one of Olaf’s eyes was a monocle, which is an eyeglass for one eye…the sort of eyewear that requires you to furrow your brow in order to keep it in place. And the rest of his body was covered in a pinstripe suit…[he pretended to be...
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A list of what was 'in' and 'out'; for the...
“Around here, people decide whether something is ‘in’, which means it’s stylish and appealing, or ‘out’, which means it’s not. And it changes all the time.”
— The hook-handed man, as the doorman of 667 Dark Avenue
Prior to the Baudelaires’ arrival (Exact Date Unknown):
1. Light was in, dark was out
2. Orphans were out
Upon the Baudelaires’ arrival (Exact Date Unknown):
1. Dark was in,...
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"It's not good, but it's in!"
Parsley Soda cannot easily be found at your local store, and there is probably a very good reason for this. Although this drink may have been so fashionable at the time that the Squalors went out to buy several crate-fills of it, it is simply horrible and disgusting.
Most store owners, who more often than not have more common sense than the residents of 667 Dark Avenue, decided to pull the vile...
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A recipe for (butterless) Apple Butter
Apple butter was one of the things the Baudelaires took from one of the Squalor kitchens before investigating the apartment building of 667 Dark Avenue, so they wouldn’t get hungry performing this long and perilous task.
Apple butter is actually not a butter at all, nor does it contain any butter. It is simply a spread or smooth jam made from apples.
If you would like to make your own apple...
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Café Salmonella: a fishy fish-place
Café Salmonella was located in the Fish District of the city, near the dock. It was made of shiny, silvery scales, just like every other building in the District was and I’m sorry to say that the Baudelaires had to endure a meal at this “in” restaurant whose theme was salmon.
Salmon décor adorned the walls and menus, and a large bowl filled with salmon was on each table in the...
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“The In Auction is coming up, and I have to devote all of my energy to making...”
– Esmé, describing the In Auction to the Baudelaires
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“I’m Esmé Gigi Geniveve Squalor, the city’s sixth most important...”
– Esmé, announcing herself grandly to the Baudelaires. Esmé and her husband, Jerome, were probably not relations of the Baudelaires, but had known their late parents
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“Ah! You’re adventurous! I like that in a person. Your mother was...”
– Jerome Squalor, remembering moments with the Baudelaires’ mother. He later also states that she loved auctions, but is cut off before he can recall more moments.
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Aqueous Martinis: a simple recipe for fancy H20
“A Martini? Isn’t that an alcoholic beverage?”
— Klaus Baudelaire to Jerome Squalor
For an Aqueous Martini—”aqueous” simply means “made from or relating to water”, for which the scientific representation is “H20”—one will need the following:
1. Water, preferably cold and bottled to ensure fine quality
2. An olive
3. A fancy Martini...
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“Most of our visitors find it hard to spot the door. That’s why they hired...”
– The hook-handed man, disguised in a coat with very long sleeves and a wide-brimmed hat as the doorman of 667 Dark Avenue
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“You don’t have to worry about the Quagmires, either. At least, not for...”
– Mr. Poe, discussing the Quagmire situation with the Baudelaires outside 667 Dark Avenue. As usual, he was not at all helpful.
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“If anything goes wrong, there’s something you should know… When we...”
– Duncan Quagmire’s last words to Klaus Baudelaire before he was kidnapped by Count Olaf and his associates
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Count Olaf's many disguises: Coach Genghis
Described by Mr. Snicket:
“…a tall, skinny man…wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt, such as any gym teacher might wear. On his feet were some expensive-looking running shoes with very high tops, and around his neck was a shiny silver whistle. Wrapped around the top of his head was a length of cloth secured in place with a shiny red jewel… [a turban]…worn…for...
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“Even stupid children like yourselves should remember what I said about orphans...”
– Count Olaf as Coach Genghis, explaining S.O.R.E., which were very sore indeed
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Details of 'The Orphans' Shack'
The Baudelaires, as per rule #6, were forced to live in what Carmelita Spats and her filthy associates called the “Orphans’ Shack”.
Below are a few details of their disgusting living quarters:
The shack was made out of tin, with the walls being bright green in color and having tiny pink hearts painted on them;
Each Baudelaire had a bale of hay in place of a bed;
The Shack...
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A list of staff at Prufrock Preparatory
1. Vice Principal Nero—a tall, mostly bald (save for a few tufts of hair tied in pigtails) man with a very red nose who was tone-deaf yet insisted that he was a musical genius. Nero wore a crumpled brown suit and a tie with snail décor on it, and was quite the unreasonable, selfish man.
Note: If Nero was the Vice Principal of Prufrock Prep, who was the Principal?
[Vice Principal Nero is...
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“…my friend Professor Reed made a triptych for me, and he painted fire on...”
– Lemony Snicket, referencing Beatrice in his fifth work “The Austere Academy”
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Prufrock Prep: a list of absurd rules
After entering Vice Principal Nero’s office on the ninth floor, the Baudelaires were confronted with a cruel, unreasonable man, who made clear the following rules of his institution:
1. If any student enters the Administrative building without an appointment (even if one works there, like Sunny), they will not be allowed to use silverware at any of their meals.
2. If any student is...
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“If I’m not mistaken, ‘Memento Mori’ means ‘Remember you...”
– Klaus, interpreting the Baudelaire’s new school’s unusual motto
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Prufrock Preparatory School: a short description
As described by Lemony Snicket himself:
“The school was made up of several buildings, all made of smooth gray stone, and the buildings were grouped together in a sort of sloppy line. To get to the buildings, the Baudelaires had to walk beneath an immense stone arch casting a curved shadow on the lawn…On the arch were the words ‘Prufrock Preparatory School’ in enormous...